A Stupider Wish
by SnogginGodess
Summary: My friend Katie read "Song of the Lioness". She's obsessed. What happenes when one of her crazed fantasies comes true? Pity me. I'm stuck with her. Sequel to "A Stupid Wish". R&R and ENJOY!
1. Oh my GOD!

(A/N read "A Stupid Wish" by Fiery Wordess. I turn into Gimli so I can make out with Legolas. She's my best friend, and we're writing this as a follow up. I don't own anything. Enjoy!)  
  
I yawned and stretched out on the couch, book in hand. My friend Katie was sitting next to me, bored. The television was broken, nobody was on IM and it was cold out. She sighed.   
  
"Sarah? Is it nice being a girl again?" she asked, smiling and wrinkling her nose. It made her freckles sort of form a smudge across her nose.  
  
"Shuddup," I mumbled, swatting her head with my book.  
  
"Owwww," she complained, grabbing it from me. "Hmmmm...," she mumbled, flipping through. "Song of the Lioness. Never heard of it."  
  
Great. Once Katie starts looking at a book there is no way in hell to communicate. I yelled that I was off to raid the fridge. She nodded, and mumbled, "Uh-huh."  
  
I returned an hour later, stomach almost full. "I ate the last three Creamsicles," I told her. "You missed out."  
  
"Pig," she mumbled. "SKINNY pig, which is even worse."  
  
"Wishing you had MY metabolism?" I asked smugly. "Wishing you could eat three Creamsicles, not gain an ounce and STILL be hungry?"   
  
"Sarah, are YOU wishing you had my hair?" she asked, still reading the book, and running her finger through her straight, auburn-brown, straight, flat, straight, smooth, straight hair.  
  
"No," I mumbled, fingering my blonde, curly, frizzy, curly, frizzy, curly blah locks.  
  
"I wish that I could meet this Jonathan character. Very sexy. I wish I could see him everyday. Get to know him, you know, before going in for the kill!" She licked her lips.  
  
I smacked my hand against her mouth. It was wet. Ew.   
  
"Shuddup! Remember what happened with me?" I asked, referring to my Gimli expierience.  
  
"Come off it! That was a fluke, never happening again," she said. "I wish wish wish wish wish I could meet Jonathan and see him everyday!" she yelled again.  
  
I stuck my tongue out at her. My tongue that had been in Legolas's mouth. Or was it Gimli's tongue? What did he do with MY tongue? Hmmmmm, this thinking was hurting my head. Thankfully, my confusing thoughts were interrupted by a flash of lightning. The power promptly went out. Marvelous.  
  
"See what you did?" I accused her. "No more wishing!"  
  
She just giggled, the stupid prat and repreated the wish. Then she stuck her tongue out...I think. It was rather dark. Her gloating was interrupted by a small voice.  
  
"You foolish girl! You shall have your wish!" Mad laughter filled the house. Katie smacked me with the book.  
  
"Stop," she said. "That's not funny."  
  
"I didn't do it," I whined, rubbing my head. "I'm going to have a lump now," I complained. She smacked me again. Honestly, am   
  
I her whipping girl or something?  
  
"The room is spinning," she said.   
  
"No it's not, your crazy head is," I said, still rubbing my head. She shrieked, and grabbed me. "Oh, no, I'm NOT coming!" I yelled, but it was too late.   
  
I cautiously opened my eyes. I was still me, still Sarah, with curly blonde hair. But I was wearing a blue dress. A silk one. "This makes me look fat," I said.  
  
"Shut up," a male voice told me. "How do I look. Is that my voice? Oh my God," the black-haired boy gasped. "Who am I?"  
  
"Prince Roald?" I guessed. "You can't be Jon, you must be Roald."  
  
"Jon's brother?" Katie...er...Roald asked, pathetically. She...he....whatever, was running her hands over her body. "Where are my boobs?" she asked feebly.  
  
"Jon's son, your boobs are gone, and I think you have a penis to repalce 'em," I said, always heartless.  
  
Katie was sulking when a voice interrupted her cries of "I have a PENIS" and "this sucks!". "Roald, get in here!"   
  
"That's you," I said, pushing her. "Well, Kate, lovey, seems Roald has a smaller butt than you do!" She glared at me, grabbed my wrist and pulled me down the hall.  
  
"You're comin' with me!" she growled. Oh, great. 


	2. Ale or poppy?

Katie scurried down the hall. "It's pretty," she said, looking at the marble walls. She raced by some people, all who bowed their heads, whispering, "Your Highness." Kate smiled. "I like this."  
  
She stopped in front of a mahogany door. She knocked. "Why am I being summoned?" she asked me, very princely-ish. Yuck.   
  
"'Cause-," I started.  
  
"'Cause 'Your Majesty'," she said primly. I had to punch her. Stupid prat. She rubbed her arm and glared at me. "Is that any way to treat a prince?" she asked, snotty bitch.  
  
The door swung open. Katie was resting her arm on it and fell in. Hahaha. She tried to compose herself. There was a woman sitting there, with a huge nose. Honestly, her conk must have been the size of my fist! She had frazzled black hair and poop colored eyes. God, she was awful.  
  
"My son, can't you be graceful and princely at all?" she asked, voice sounding like a squawking goose. No way. That couldn't be Thayet. Thayet was supposed to be beautiful and this woman was far from it. "Who's that?" she asked, pointing a finger with a chipped nail at me.  
  
"She is Mistress Poot-," Katie started, evil malevolence in her blue eyes.  
  
"Lady Sarah of Lyonna Realm," I said, adopting a British accent for some odd reason.  
  
"Her proper name is Sarah Barah Foe Farah Me Mie Moe Marah," Katie said smugly. "And she's my slave."  
  
"Stupid boy!" Ugly Thayet swatted Katie's head. I tried to supress my giggles as Katie looked shocked. "There are no slaves in Tortall! Goddess above, the child's an idiot!"   
  
"How dare you strike the prince!" Katie yelled. "I'll have you arrested, woman!" I really should have stopped her crazed ramblings, but it was just too funny. I was laughing like a lunatic. "Montrer que la chienne qui est le patron!" I urged her. (Translation for the ignorant: Show that bitch who's boss!) I'm a horrid friend, but really, she gets what she deserves for dragging me here.  
  
Thayet's poop eyes turned on Katie. I was giggling. "Get outta here. You've been in th' ale again!" she sighed, scratching a pimple. "Take your servant with ye."  
  
Katie raced out. "Who is that whore?" she asked. "What a bitch! The way she TREATED me!" she was huffing, stomping down the hall in no particular direction, and turning red.  
  
"Hey, penis-girl," I said. She turned and glared at me. She was blotchy and scary and a boy. "That 'whore-bitch' was your mother. And she thinks you're drunk. Way to screw things up."  
  
"C'mon," Kate growled, stomping down the hall.  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked, following, ever obediant. Ha, she was dragging me.  
  
"I dunno," she snapped.  
  
"Wonderful plan," I said sarcastically. "BRILLIANT!"  
  
She stomped on. And on. And on. And on. I struggled to get away. I mean, I'm perfectly capable of walking WITHOUT somebody dragging me. Really, now. "Roald, doll, let go lest I bash your bloody brains," I said, in a my British accent.   
  
She turned to face me. "This is your fault!" she hissed.  
  
"Uh, Roald-," I started.  
  
"That's NOT my name!"  
  
"ROALD!" I said.  
  
"Shuddup, I-," she collided into a tall man.  
  
"Tried to warn ya," I gloated, sticking my tongue out.  
  
Katie put a hand to her head, pretending to be dazed. "OW!" she whined. "You hurt the prince, you lowlife!" She rubbed her head in such an exaggerrated manner, I burst out laughing again. "Quiet, slave," she ordered, grinding her heel into my toe. I was wearing silk slippers. She was wearing boots.   
  
"OW!" I gasped.  
  
The man turned. "M'lady?" he asked me. God. I melted. He was gorgey. I smiled, tears welling up in my eyes because of the pain. "Roald?" he asked, voice disbelieving. I absolutely drank him in. Black hair, pale skin, blue eyes- OH GOD! It was Jon!  
  
"Whadda ya want?" Katie snapped.  
  
"Roald," I murmured.  
  
"Shuddup," she growled.  
  
"Um, but-," I was silenced with a glare.   
  
"Stupid boy," the king murmured. "Drinking ale, hmmm? I was skeptical at first, but look at you."   
  
Katie looked at him. "Jon?" she murmured, eyes glazing over. I poked her in the ribs, and she sprang back to life. She also tugged my hair.   
  
"That's FATHER to you, little idiot. Was it ale, or poppy? Gods, go to the infirmary. I can't look at you," he turned away. "You'll escort him?" he asked me. "That child is a royal disgrace," he muttered. I squeaked and nodded. He smiled. Smiled AT ME! ME! ME! ME! Yummy! I was trying so hard to breath, I barely noticed him leave.  
  
"That's Jon?" Katie asked, suddenly all smiles. I nodded curtly. She smiled. "He was sooooo checking me out."  
  
I smacked her lighty on the head. Well, not really lighty. Depends on what your definition of 'lightly' is. If it's 'hit someone so they are knocked over a fall into a wall', then, yes, I hit her lightly.  
  
"He thinks you're a druggy," I said, sticking my tongue out. 


	3. Doors and whores

A/N: This chapter was written with lots and lots and lots of help from _la magnifique Fiery Wordess.  In fact, she typed it, whilst I was on the other line, agreeing or disagreeing, it didn't really matter._

KATE ROCKS MY SOCKS!

*(SnogginGodess would like to say that Fiery Wordess also wrote that part and only Fred rocks her socks)*

You lie, like a rug. ~Fiery Wordess

I'm too busy having sex with your boyfriend to respond. ~SnogginGodess

Yeah, well, shut up Gimli. ~Fiery Wordess 

"Did you see the way that Jon looked at my sexy little bum?"

"Kate," I said calmly, "we never say 'little' and 'bum' in the same sentence when referring to _yours_.  It's an oxymoron, you moron."

"True, but now that I'm Prince Roald my butt is flat as a pancake."

She was wrong of course; Roald was rather pudgy like his grandfather.  He was rolly polie Roald-y.

"Anyway," I started, "I must take you to the infirmary because you're drunk or high or both.  Or you are simply a girl with a penis."

"You should empathize more."  Said Kate.

"No, I shouldn't.  You didn't."

"So?"

"In conclusion I hate you." 

"Without me, you wouldn't… actually, I really don't know.  Never mind.  Just get us to the infirmary."  Kate babbled.  

But we had a problem.  We started to wander the halls but I had no godly idea where the damned infirmary was.  I had been too captivated by King Jon's icy blue eyes to ask for directions.  Immediately my eyes were drawn to a door.  But it wasn't the only door.  There were a lot of doors.  We could rule out the one that ugly Thayet was sitting in.

"Maybe it's in here."  I guessed, pushing open a door.  Kate and I were greeted by shouts.

"You did _what_ with a monkey?!"  Screamed a tall balding, toothless man with a button nose.  

"Well _you've_ been canoodling since I was four!"  Shrieked a girl with enormous boobs about my age.

Ah, Numair and Daine.  

"AT LEAST IT WAS WITH HUMANS!"

"Yeah, transvestites."  Daine spat.  "You only canoodle with me because my body is so freaking mature and I only sleep with you because YOU'RE RICH!"

"Kiss me my love!"  Said the bald Numair.

She seemed ready to snog him.

"Well… the problem with that is… the whole incident with the monkey left me with… ahem… child."

"You skank."

"SKUNK!  IT'S SKUNK, NUMAIR!" Her face started sprouting black hair but stopped on her chin and upper lip.  "O shit."

"Haha!  You can't control your Wild Magic!  You screw up child."

"Help me get rid of this beard, you damned old man."

"Let's go to the infirmary then."  

Perfect, we had someone to follow.  Kate was looking horrified at the half-girl half-skunk who looked more like a bearded lady than a girl undergoing transfiguration.  

"What-."  Kate started.

"Sh!"  I said, pulling her behind a suit of armor.

"No, we are not having sex."  Kate shook her ugly Roald head fervently.

I slapped her.  "Dammit, that is too disgusting to even fathom.  You perverted freak."  I hissed, trying not to barf with the image.  "We're following the lovebirds to the infirmary."

"Who are the lovebirds?"  Kate asked dimly.

"Daine and Numair."

"Isn't he a little old for her?"

"He's about twice her age.  Well, more than that I suspect."

"That's disgusting."  Kate stuck her tongue out.

"No."  I disagreed.  "What you just said earlier was disgusting.  This is just mildly disturbing compared to that."

"Have you ever slept with an old man?"  Kate asked.

"No.  I try not to think about such disturbing things.  Why must you riddle my brain with horrific images?"

"Their wrinkly old…."

"That's enough!"  I cut her off.  But then my curiosity got the best of me.  "Did you bang some old guy, Kate?"

She blushed.  "Of course not.  That's disgusting."

"So are you sometimes."

"I'm not that gross, Sarah."

"Sure."

"Hey, at least I wasn't all for loving Legolas."

"At least I'm not all for banging my father."

"Erlack."

"Indeed."  And we followed Daine and Numair to the infirmary.  Duke Baird ushered Daine in when he saw the hideous thing that had happened to her face.

"Ew!  Icky.  How do you manage to make yourself so funny looking?  How icky!"  He wrung his perfectly manicured hands at chest level.  

"Sarah, my gaydar is going off."  Said Kate.

"Yeah, well, mine is right along with the incest-gaydar."

"Look, it's not my fault that he's my dad now."  

But we stopped talking as we watched Duke Baird poking hesitantly at Daine's face.  She cried out in pain as he plucked a hair and he screamed and ran backwards into Numair's waiting arms.  Actually, Numair pushed the duke quickly away from him mumbling: "not here, honey-dumpling."  Then Duke Baird began to sob.  

"Dear God," I mumbled, "why, why, why does everything have to be so screwed up?"

"Ah," Kate said, "that is the true mystery of the dance."

I slapped her around the head for that comment. 

"Ow."  She said simplistically.

"That's better."  I decided.  Then I realized that Kate wasn't drunk.  I mean, I knew it before but then I realized really that we didn't need to be in the infirmary watching Duke Baird flirting with horny-old Numair.  So we left to explore further our domain… that wasn't really ours.

We walked down the hall opening door after door to see if there was anything interesting.  One room had a lot of books but they were all picture books such as See Spot Run and See Magic Kill People.  Very dull.  Except for the picture in See Alanna Kick Ass where she was stabbing Roger to death.  Kate was horrified and so I laughed at her until she slapped me.  It was very odd to see a pudgy little boy act indignant and so I continued laughing.  

I heard murmuring behind one door and was eager to see what was going on.  Kate was also very excited, so we cracked the door open slightly and saw a gorgeous red head wearing a sheer purple nightgown that brought out the color of her eyes.  Kate and I weren't the only ones in shock, a robust girl with very short hair sat drooling in the corner as the red head danced.

"Kel and Alanna."  I muttered.  "That is just too wrong."

"I thought Alanna was supposed to be boring, especially in comparison to Queen Thayet."  Kate mused.

"Well, it's gone backwards."  I mumbled.  "Let's go before they get it on."

I was a little reluctant to open the next door in fear of what I might find.  It was horrifying, of course, but also accurate to Tamora Pierce's words.

George's nose was a conk the size of Texas.  

So big that his whole hand was stuck up the left nostril, and worming around with ease. 

"Alanna!"  He shouted, "Go get the Vaseline!  It's stuck again!"  He turned to stare at us.  Then Kate stupidly spoke up.

"Um, your wife's a little busy right now."

"With her squire?"  George asked.  

"Yes."  I answered, eager to see some bloodshed, preferably not my own.

George continued roaming his nostril.  He used his other hand to grab the wrist and yank.  Kate was looking a little green and my stomach was threatening to pitch my breakfast through my mouth.  I grabbed Kate's wrist and pulled her away from the scene.  Then I thought of George's wrist and how goobery it probably was and let go instantly.  Kate didn't care, she was staring distastefully at my hand, probably thinking just what I was.  I wanted to cut my hands off, that's how nasty they were to me.  They'd probably both fit up George's nose comfortably.  George had big hands.

Kate grabbed a doorknob and pulled us both in without even checking to see what was behind it.

Stupid Kate, she should be shot.

Panting, we leaned against the door, and both moaned low moans of disgust.  Of course, another moan joined ours.  This one was not of revolt; rather it was one of lust.  I kept my eyes firmly shut thinking "if you don't see it, it might disappear."     

Kate was whispering by my side, "If it can't see me then my eyes are shut!  No!  That's not right… what am I trying to say?  AH!"  She shrieked as her eyes popped open.  My eyes were wide with terror that turned quickly to joy.

Jonathan was fondling himself.

Even at his lowest of times he was a sex-bomb.  

"Hello girls… well, girl and son who is so gay that he may as well be a girl and should be in infirmary."

"Jon…."  She muttered.

"Kate!"  I hissed.  "He's your father!"

"Oh Daddy!"  She cried with joy.  "How wonderful to see you while I'm sober."

"I'm glad you feel that way son.  One day this wonderful thing on my head will belong on yours."  Jon pointed to his golden crown with his unclean hand.  "Let me tell you a secret son."  He pulled Kate close to him, with his icky hands.  Why were hands so unclean, so unsanitary?  

"Ew, Dad, I saw what you were doing.  Don't touch me for the love of God."

"I am the king; I will touch who I want!"  Jon put a hand to his chest.  "I am about to give you words of wisdom, listen closely.  Marry ugly so you can bang around the court and people will understand you."

I was pretty sure he was looking at me while he said this, and this made me smile.  But, he clapped a hand firmly not to my buttocks but to his son's.  Kate squealed and slapped him, covering her chest.  

"You really are a little gay man."  Jon shook his head.  "Wonderful."  Then he said "You two will be attending the ball together.  Marry ugly early, son, remember my words."

Kate grinned evilly at me.

And I finally got it. 

"_Hey!_"  I was not in my happy place.  "I am not going to marry your son!  He's not… and I'm not ugly!"

"It only takes a few zits, and imagine how POWERFUL you would be as queen!"

"Look, Roald can be queen and Kel can be king.  I am a pretty, pretty princess."  I felt really stupid when I realized what I had said.

"Don't flatter yourself."  Kate muttered.

"Girls, settle down."

Kate didn't argue with the girls.

"I expected a little more anger from you Roald!"  Jon looked shocked.  Ooh, he was beautiful when he was shocked.

A/N: Both authors are virgins.

Thank you.


End file.
